A Real Affliction: BPD, Culture, and Stigma

Still Life: The Posthumously Published Diary of Lara Gilbert

What can we learn from the posthumously published diary of Lara Gilbert, a young Canadian woman with BPD traits who suffered from complex PTSD in the 1990s? In this episode, I read excerpts from I Might Be Nothing: Journal Writing, a selection of writings from the 3200-page diary of Lara Gilbert, which I read in the archives of the University of Victoria. Lara was a brilliant and talented writer, and I wanted some of her words to be heard. While her story is tragic, her experience is a reminder that life is always hard, no matter which era you live in, but we have far more treatment options for BPD and complex PTSD than we did 30 years ago. It is also a reminder that our words live on.
This episode concludes the first year of the podcast.
Trigger warning: This episode talks about CSA, rape, and suicide.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources:
Walter Benjamin, “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction”
Jennifer Douglas et al., “‘Treat Them with the Reverence of Archivists’: Records Work, Grief Work, and Relationship Work in the Archives”
Lara Gilbert, I Might Be Nothing: Journal Writings
Cynthia Gralla, “Boxed Memories,” Room, Vol. 46, No. 3 (“Ghosts” issue), September 2023
Murasaki Shikibu, The Tale of Genji
Murasaki Shikibu, The Diary of Murasaki Shikibu
Bea Tusiani, Pamela Tusiani, and Paula Tusiani-Eng, Remnants of a Life on Paper: A Mother and Daughter’s Struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder
 

"I learn about resilience from my garden": Solara Goldwynn of Royal Roads University

What is the relationship between BPD and food security? BPD and food insecurity are prevalent among university students, and research shows that poor diets, both in terms of insufficient calories and an overreliance on ultra-processed foods, fuel mood dysregulation, depression, and suicidality. I believe that most universities could do more to support student food security, food sovereignty in the community, and overall mental well-being through food gardens. In this interview, I’ll be speaking with Solara Goldwynn, the farm and food systems lead for a food-growing initiative at Royal Roads University, which is dedicated to sustainability and partnerships with local Indigenous communities. She also explains how gardening can increase resilience.
Solara’s food garden business: www.hatchetnseed.ca 
Community Food Centres Canada: https://cfccanada.ca/en/Home
Diane Ackerman, Cultivating Delight: A Natural History of My Garden
Richard Dal Monte, “How Does This Garden Grow . . . Community?” https://www.royalroads.ca/news/how-does-garden-grow-community
Bonnie Kaplan and Julia J. Rucklidge, “Junk Food and the Brain: How Modern Diets Lacking in Micronutrients May Contribute to Angry Rhetoric: https://theconversation.com/junk-food-and-the-brain-how-modern-diets-lacking-in-micronutrients-may-contribute-to-angry-rhetoric-170863
The Maple Leaf Centre for Food Community: https://www.feedopportunity.com/
Nathan Sing, “The Fight to End Hunger on Canadian University Campuses”: https://education.macleans.ca/feature/the-fight-to-end-hunger-on-canadian-university-campuses/
Sue Stuart-Smith, The Well-Gardened Mind: The Restorative Power of Nature
Prudence Vivarini et al., “Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms in Individuals with Eating Disorder: Association with Severity, Psychological Distress, and Psychosocial Function”
Jan Zwicky, Once Upon a Time in the West: Essays on the Politics of Thought and Imagination

“We need a society where we don’t step over mentally ill people”: Discussing bioethics with Lucy Yanow

Why do people living with mental illness, including BPD, need to think about bioethics? Because ordinary citizens can now make life-and-death decisions for themselves and others. As laws and regulations change around issues such as involuntary hospitalization and medical assistance in dying, it’s important for everyone to read and watch lectures about bioethics to protect themselves, but it’s essential for those of us suffering from mental health issues. In this second part of my interview with Lucy Yanow, who studies bioethics, we talk about this issue as well as the ultimate unattainability of bodily autonomy.
Trigger warning: This episode will discuss suicide and euthanasia.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.
Raven Belasco, editor, Adventures in Bodily Autonomy: Exploring Reproductive Rights in Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror
María Puig de la Bellacasa, Matters of Care: Speculative Ethics in More Than Human Worlds
Rosi Braidotti, Posthuman Feminism
Judith Butler, The Force of Nonviolence: An Ethico-Political Bind
Canada’s 2020 report on the estimated cost benefits of MAID        
Donna Haraway, Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene
Chelsea Kamp, “Manitoba Woman Devastated over Delay in MAID for Mental Illness”:
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/maid-manitoba-mental-illness-1.7104343
Sophie Lewis, Full Surrogacy Now: Feminism Against Family
Mallory Moench, “‘A Ticket to Nowhere’: Thousands Are Brought to S.F. Hospitals Involuntarily. Then What Happens?”: https://www.sfchronicle.com/sf/article/mental-illness-san-francisco-hospitals-homeless-17772797.php
Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak, “Ghostwriting.” Diacritics, Vol. 25, No. 2, 1995.

Complex trauma is in our house now: Courtenay Stallings, author of Laura’s Ghost: Women Speak About Twin Peaks

 
Why is Laura Palmer a heroine for many of us? Because David Lynch's depiction of her in the Twin Peaks franchise was one of the first and remains one of the most powerful depictions of complex trauma from child sexual abuse. In this interview with professor and writer Courtenay Stallings, we talk about her wonderful book, Laura’s Ghost: Women Speak About Twin Peaks, and how the late, great Lynch catalyzed discussions of the long-neglected topic of abuse -- with which, unfortunately, so many of us with BPD are familiar.
Trigger warning for child sexual abuse.
Courtenay Stalling’s Laura’s Ghost: Women Speak about Twin Peaks: https://www.tuckerdspress.com/product-page/laura-s-ghost
Courtenay Stallings, "Twin Peaks: The Return as Subversive Fairy Tale." Supernatural Studies, vol. 5, no. 2, 2019, pp. 98-116.
Julian D. Ford and Christine A. Courtois, “Complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder”: https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479-021-00155-9
Sigmund Freud’s on the uncanny: https://web.mit.edu/allanmc/www/freud1.pdf
Cynthia Gralla, “A Woman in Trouble: My Life and Illnesses Filtered through Twin Peaks”: https://witness.blackmountaininstitute.org/issues-4-2/spring-2021/
David Lynch, dir., Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, and The Return
Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“I thought that mental health problems were something that you caught while young”: Lucy Yanow

Can recreational drugs be used to treat BPD in controlled environments? In this interview, I talk with Lucy Yanow, who holds a master’s degree in Bioethics and Society and formerly worked as a midwife, doula, and protector of reproductive rights. I ask her about her experience taking ketamine pills for depression and suicidality, but our conversation detours in rich and surprising ways. Lucy opens up about how her family’s history of suicide has affected her. She thoughtfully reflects on intergenerational trauma, the limitations she sees in talk therapy, and weighing the risks of drug therapy against suicidality.
Trigger warning: This episode discusses suicide.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources:
Chittaranjan Andrade, “Ketamine for Depression—Knowns, Unknowns, Possibilities, Barriers, and Opportunities”
Sarah K. Fineberg et al., “A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial of Ketamine in Borderline Personality Disorder”
Mark Fisher, Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative? 
Charlotte Perkins Gilman, “The Yellow Wallpaper” and Herland
Thomas Vanicek et al., “Intravenous Esketamine Leads to an Increase in Impulsive and Suicidal Behaviour in a Patient with Recurrent Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder”

The book that saves lives: Mishell Baker’s Borderline

How can an urban fantasy novel save lives? By depicting a protagonist with BPD who is resourceful, loyal, and heroic. In Borderline, the first book in the Arcadia Project trilogy, author and BPD survivor Mishell Baker does just that. In this interview, her perspectives on her books and her life reveal a woman who has found strength and inner peace after agony. As she says to me, “If you die by your own hand, you don't know if your work was done.”
Trigger warning: This episode discusses suicide.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources:
Mishell Baker, Borderline
Mishell Baker, Phantom Pains
Mishell Baker, Imposter Syndrome
Charlaine Harris, The Southern Vampire Mysteries
Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire
Seo-Young J. Chu, Do Metaphors Dream of Literal Sleep? A Science-Fictional Theory of Representation

“People with BPD are not a different kind of person”: Dr. Alexander Kriss, author of Borderline

 
What can a psychoanalyst learn from patients with BPD? In this interview, Dr. Alexander Kriss, author of the recently published Borderline: Biography of a Personality Disorder, shares insights gained from treating patients with the disorder. We discuss his book, which tells the story of one patient’s recovery while also deconstructing the BPD diagnosis and the broader conceptions of madness and femininity that have created an ever-shifting but ever-present space for people harrying the line between neurosis and psychosis from antiquity to the present day.
 
Alexander Kriss, Borderline: The Biography of a Personality Disorder
Alexander Kriss, The Gaming Mind: A New Psychology of Videogames and the Power of Play
Link to Alexander Kriss’s New York-based psychotherapy practice
Alicia Elliott, “A Mind Spread Out on the Ground”
Sigmund Freud, A Case of Hysteria (Dora) and Three Case Histories
Edvard Munch, The Scream

“It's Upon Us to Widen That Lens”: Dr. Merri Lisa Johnson, author of Girl in Need of a Tourniquet

Why should we draw on the field of disability studies to envision, treat, and talk about BPD? In this second and final part of my interview with Professor Lisa Johnson, author of Girl in Need of a Tourniquet: Memoir of a Borderline Personality, we explore this question and others, including the connection between BPD and sexuality, why we might diagnose fictional characters with BPD, and the form of her memoir, which “sutured together many types of discourse (medical texts, self-help books, fairy-tale, personal email, autobiographical memory).”
 
Merri Lisa Johnson, Girl in Need of a Tourniquet
Merri Lisa Johnson (editor), Jane Sexes It Up: True Confessions of Feminist Desire
Merri Lisa Jonson and Robert McRuer. "Cripistemologies: Introduction."  
Merri Lisa Johnson and Robert McRuer, “Cripistemologies Now (More Than Ever!)”
Alyson E. Blanchard et al., “Testing the Hot-Crazy Matrix: Borderline Personality Traits in Attractive Women and Wealthy Low Attractive Men Are Relatively Favoured by the Opposite Sex”
Baby Reindeer TV series
Beyoncé, “Hold Up”
Anne Boyer, The Undying
William Faulkner, As I Lay Dying
Daphne Gottlieb, Final Girl
Herman Melville, “Bartleby the Scrivener”
Jonathan Metzel, The Protest Psychosis: How Schizophrenia Became a Black Disease
Sarah Redikopp, “Interrogating Nonsuicidal Self-Injury Disorder Through a Feminist Psychiatric Disability Theory Framework”
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

After Life and building a life worth remembering with BPD and EMDR

Would you choose to hold on to a bad memory for eternity? In this bonus episode, I explain how EMDR therapy and a rewatch of the glorious Japanese film, After Life, made me reflect on memory.
 
Hirokazu Kore-eda, director, After Life (1998 film)
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.)
Anne Carson, Economy of the Unlost
Marsha Linehan, Building a Life Worth Living
Viet Thanh Nguyen, “In Memoriam”
Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

“A Vulnerability Artist Who Fights Ableism”: Dr. Merri Lisa Johnson on BPD

What does writing from the frontline of BPD look like? If the author is borderline up-ender Dr. Lisa Johnson, it looks and sounds like a witty, raw, and dazzling conflagration. In this interview, she and I discuss her memoir, Girl in Need of a Tourniquet: Memoir of a Borderline Personality, and share our experiences of navigating academia while being open about our BPD diagnoses.
Merri Lisa Johnson, Girl in Need of a Tourniquet
Merri Lisa Johnson, “Neuroqueer Feminism: Turning with Tenderness toward Borderline Personality Disorder”
Courtney Cook, The Way She Feels: My Life on the Borderline in Pictures and Pieces
bell hooks, All About Love and other books
William Faulkner, As I Lay Dying
Marsha Linehan, Building a Life Worth Living
Audre Lorde, "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action"
Nancy Mairs, Remembering the Bone House
José Esteban Muñoz, Disidentifications: Queers of Color and the Performance of Politics
Stacy Pershall, Loud in the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl
Kiera van Gelder, The Buddha and the Borderline
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation